I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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