I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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