and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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