sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Damn victory sex feels great
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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