Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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