I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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