Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
