So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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