Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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