If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize