I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
