I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
