How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he thought i was a dude.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Randomize
