I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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