Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
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I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.