Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica