NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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