The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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