I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?