I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
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You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!