I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.