Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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