You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
