The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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