I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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