How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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