wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
