god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
