So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
