I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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