Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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