I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
