This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
