how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
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Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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