the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
