As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
