We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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