I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
