she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
