I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
