Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Pants are for mortals
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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