This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
