I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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