woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
