I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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