i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
