god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
