I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
