I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
