i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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