Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
