I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
