So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
