The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
