Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
