The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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