I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
