my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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