I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
