why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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