Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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