Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
