Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
